Out of Focus...Again: A Journey from Depression to Recovery Through Courage, Love and Commitment

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As your passion grows you start to see yourself in the mirror slowly but surely becoming the person you wanted to be at the end of this experience. A few weeks pass and bad news turns your reflection of hope into one of uncertainty. Money becomes an issue and it may seem that you may not make it to next semester. The hope that you have to fight your way past the worry and the fear of the door closing at the end of that tunnel. So with that you still strive to do your best and take hold of the future you want with both hands and no intention of ever letting go. Bangle September I believe I should be awarded the Courage to Grow Scholarship because I can think of nothing else more intimidating than returning to school later in life.

It has been proven the longer a person is out of school, the less likely they are to return and I think I know why. I realize now that I did not appreciate my opportunities when I was younger. I was easily distracted by life and was easily detoured from my educational goals. When I was younger, I felt invincible. As I got older, I accumulated more to be thankful for and in turn, had more to lose.

If I returned to college, I was afraid of losing stability for my family financially and mentally due to stress. I would also have shortages on time since I would need more to attend classes and study. The fear of failing became a clear reality. What if I am mocked for attempting something I failed at before? Would I lose the respect of my family and friends? I soon realized that bravery is not something that can be taught but more witnessed.

I want my children to learn to be brave by doing what they are afraid of instead of avoiding it. Salas August Courage is not a word that I can relate to. Courage is taking on the most difficult challenges in life head first. My life has been held by the leash of expectations and my hand has been dragged to reach them all. I know not true courage, but being obedient. Being the middle child of a family of four is not the hardest thing of my life. The hardest thing is grabbing for the attention and parental dedication I deserve.

It is not the gifts and white lie promises that have made me what I am today, it is the little notice of my elders and my will to prevail one day longer for myself that have crafted me into the young male I am. I try for courage but the tight leash on me to this day keeps me from going the distance, going into adulthood, and consequently independence.

Accomplishing these goals will be my first step in knowing courage to grow. It is until I take on my next steps of life, college, work, retirement, and everything that comes in-between, when I will be courageous to grow in my life, not held back. Now, under the wings of parents and teachers I cannot truly know courage. Applying to this scholarship for my future is truly a sign that I am ready to have the courage to grow and break the chains that have been on me for so long.

Elizabeth Prickett July I am the oldest of seven children, none of which have the same two parents as me. I was the guinea pig for my parents and when their marriage didn't work out, I ended up testing first hand how it felt to live in a broken household. There was no plan for me; my parents didn't know they needed one. I was a very thoughtful and soulful child, however, and made my way the best I could.

My dad turned his life around and cared for me the best he could as a single dad until he remarried. Soon there were three more little girls in his life and I was again forgotten for a time. I grew up self-sufficient and when high school came, I slowly realized that college was coming. My father stressed education, saying that if he would have gone to college things would have turned out different.

He wanted me to have a better life, but had no funds to do so. I want to be able to have my dreams of becoming a nurse realized, but in my current situation I don't see a way for that to happen. I dream of helping people when they are in pain and need help or attention.

I dream of making the world a better, healthier place. I dream of making my father proud. Elizabeth Prickett. Vang June I've applied for this scholarship numerous times before. I apply each time because the title of the scholarship speaks to me. It reminds me that despite the obstacles that I face I must continue to push forward. My biggest fear is to remain stagnant, stagnant in ability, in perception and stagnant in knowledge. I have reread my entries from the past, and for each I hear a different voice.

I face each new day and each new challenge with conviction and confidence in my ability to appreciate and understand the lessons I need to be taught. To grow is to be resilient, resourceful, appreciative and open to what the world has to teach. This is what growth means to me, and what this scholarship means to me. DeShields May Growing up I was determined to escape the poverty stricken neighborhood that I lived in. With no one in my family attending college or even getting out of the struggle there were not many role models for me to look up to.

When I had a sister I promised myself that I would be the one person that she could look up to in a positive image. My mother nearly lost her life to domestic violence and it has forever altered her life as she is now disabled. When it was time for me to go to college my mother could no longer provide for my younger siblings, so I put my education on hold for them. We moved to a small town and I got a job to support them. I have now been taking care of them for 3 years. I strived hard at the school I am at to be able to transfer. At one point I was afraid of the growth because of the uncertainty of it.

It has been a hard journey but I would not change it for the world. I deserve this scholarship because I have overcome many trials and have grown into a stronger person. This will help me further my education and be one step closer to success. Andrew Charles April As human beings we strive to achieve success, something that not only makes one feel prowess; but benefits to the image of an individual. Failure is perceived by the public much more than success, and occurs more frequently.

Failure is feared and known to many as the end; proof to many that their idea failed. No matter what, failure happens to everyone. It condenses down to how one discerns failing. The greatest failure that people consider is when it concerns the well-being of others. Though what society and countless amounts of people fail to see themselves, is that failure is a crucial part to success.

To be successful, one must learn from their mistakes. Success is all about learning how recognize where a mistake has been made. It requires one to retrace their missteps and repair them, rather than fall into despair about the mishap. In order to gain triumph, you will fall on the path to it. All those who have appeared successful and affluential throughout history have all failed quite often. They all had one common attribute to gain success, they tried. Years of practice, patience, and understanding, have allowed for them to try constantly. I deserve this award, because what defines me is how well I rise, after I fall.

Andrew Charles. Having grown up in a small southern town in Louisiana, I am expected to abide by defined social expectations. Following in the footsteps of their parents, I watch my cousins and friends push their dreams and careers aside to get married and start a family in the same small town we grew up in, some as early as eighteen years old. However, from an early age I have always had, as my family would call them, unusual dreams. When I picture my future I see myself scouring the jungles of the Amazon or climbing the peaks of the Himalayas. I imagine myself walking along the banks of the Ganges river and standing in awe at the base of the Taj Mahal, and with a lot courage and hard work- several of these dreams have come true.

I write to you with hopes that my journey will not end here. I deserve the Courage to Grow scholarship. With the money I will be able to further my degree and align myself on the path consistent with my dreams-creating a better future for not only myself, but for those who believed their dreams were also unattainable. Nicholas Talamantez February Having courage is a concept of fighting human nature. Fear is natural. Fear is inevitable. I have lived 18 years and in that time I have met and defeated many fears.

I am certainly not afraid to grow though. I already know a lot of things about myself though. I know that I will do whatever it takes to reach my goals. I know that I hate being alone because I am left with my own thoughts of existence. I like being alone because I do not have to worry about others. I plan to travel. I plan to teach. I plan to guide. I am tomorrow, but I am also worried about guiding the day after. My time is limited, but my impact can be permanent.

It will echo through the decades that follow. I need money for college. College will allow me to travel and make connections. It will allow me to grow in a comfortable environment, and hopefully one that is uncomfortable too. We need to be pushed out of our comfort zones in order to grow and discover things we did not know of. I feel that I deserve this scholarship because I am more aware of myself, the world around me, and my goals than most others.

I will not let this money go to waste. The world is a big place, but every decision we make affects it in a grand way. Nicholas Talamantez. Jayda Robinson January Every person comes face to face with some adversities, and I am no exception. Abuse and other factors forced me to believe that I truly deserved such hardships.

Things began to change for me as my younger brother faced health concerns. He was only fifteen, but he was undeniably strong and optimistic. I began admiring him, and together we found the strength I had hidden away- leaving me feeling revived. Since then, I have realized that I want more from life. I deserve more from life. I want a good future, and I finally want to take grasp on all opportunities that lay in front of me. Now college is a great opportunity, and I am very capable of succeeding with higher education. However, my journey to college will require great financial help.

Receiving this scholarship would help remind me that there are people out there wanting me to succeed, and there are people out there rooting for me. I want to follow this good path, and I aspire to show my brother, alongside many others, the opportunities that still exist despite circumstances.

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I once again have the hope, intelligence, motivation, passion, and the burning desire to commence positive change. Jayda Robinson. Maemie Williams December At the age of 2 years old, my family split right down the middle. My parents decided to go their separate ways, which left me primarily in the care of my grandparents.

When I was young, not having a picture perfect family was upsetting, but as I look back at pictures, I consider my parents' decision a true blessing. Being raised by my Nalnal has caused me to grow into a humble, caring young lady. She taught me to look at the world with a soft touch and kind heart. No matter what our problems were, someone always had it worse, and our job was to simply lend a hand to anyone in need.

When she passed, she reminded me to be kind and give no matter how little I had. Even though horrible events take action in our life, we must stay strong and look at what we can accomplish. I believe I am deserving of this scholarship, because I always have and will put others first.

In order to live by this fully I wish to pursue a career as a pediatrician, and without help would not be able to accomplish this goal. I soulfully appreciate this opportunity for consideration and wish you the best in making your decision. Maemie Williams. Michael Sanders November I am a father of two, with the hopes of providing a future, as well as a legacy for them.

My hope is they will learn from my mistakes, as well as my examples and take the steps needed to further their education and success. My wish is they do not take as long as I have to progress after high school. I spent almost twenty years working most any kind of manual labor I could find to earn a paycheck. I am very grateful for the lessons I was taught as well as the opportunities that were given to me, yet feel I could be so much more.

After earning my degrees, the education and values learned in school will be carried with me to my next step in the chase for my dreams. Whether it means earning a respectful position at an established company, or working hard to open my own business, my future looks brighter now than ever before. Which means the possibilities for my children will be even greater than the ones that have been shown to me. Michael Sanders. Leya Elias October When I was younger, my immigrant family dealt with a tragic death. Their case was complicated and the language barrier made it more difficult.

My family was not able to be accurately represented due to the lack of advocates who spoke their language. Growing up, this situation made me someone who strongly believes in bringing to light the voices of the silenced. Beyond being an advocate, my family's perseverance through their experience has motivated me to excel to my highest potential and never give up.

I hope to be an attorney and one day a prosecutor, so that I can bring justice to as many people as possible. I am a person who wants to protect the rights of all Americans. I currently speak English, and Tigrinya, and I am currently in my third year of learning French. I would like to learn more languages, so that I can be of service to as many different people as possible.

I strive to attend college and not let finances be what stops me.

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My goal is to attend college, go to law school, and change lives. Today's world moves quickly, yet we still face some of our most ancient societal challenges. The Courage to Grow scholarship will allow me to be the change I want to see. Leya Elias. Sophie Braker September I remember once during my childhood, my parents had a Christmas party.

I made cupcakes that were decorated as Christmas lights with licorice as the electric cord. My dad really did most of the work and I just took credit. At the party, I remember some family friends only taking little bits off the licorice because they said the cupcakes were too beautiful to eat. Little did I know that those cupcakes would be the first taste of my career. The summer before my junior year I visited Johnson and Wales, part of which is a culinary school. I felt like I belonged there.

My senior dream is to be a baker and a sommelier, along with being a food historian. When I was a child I really wanted to change the world, be a Doctor Without Borders, create a charity, write a book that changes the social convention of the world. But that is all too much for one little girl from Colorado to do.

So for now I will change the world through baking. Good food makes people happy. Happy people do good things. So, I will change the world by making good food. Help me change the world in my way. Sophie Braker. Erica Swannie August Many say we are a product of our environments. Some of us have been lucky enough to be raised in a home that emphasizes the importance of an excellent education, encourages self-reliance, and above all, promotes the tenacity needed to be successful in life.

In October my mother was diagnosed with invasive cancer and underwent a double mastectomy. No tears. No pity. No playing the cancer card. She simply made it clear that the tenacity she always spoke to us about would allow nothing short of success in her battle. Never has a circumstance in my life matched the angst I felt when there was a possibility I would lose her. I have yet to experience a bigger challenge in my short lifetime. Staying focused academically when I really just wanted to spend all waking moments with her was a daily trial. The high educational expectations I had for myself paled in comparison to keeping her company through her illness: watching television, renting movies, playing board games, just in case I might lose my opportunities to engage in these activities in the future.

I currently pay for my own college tuition, as I have an unrelenting belief I can become a Doctor of Physical Therapy without placing any financial stress on my mom. This scholarship will afford me the opportunity to further my studies, all while showing my mom her courageous battle has taught me self-reliance. Erica Swannie. Niasia Palar July Not many are brave enough to embrace themselves. To grow as a person you have to love the skin you are in. I was taught in life to understand. To understand my past-crazy mom, my inconsistent dad and all the people around me, including myself.

What I understood about myself is that I was unique. My hair was wild, my style was retro 80s, I "talked like a white girl" and I let out this dying sound, I called a laugh, way too often. I was taunted and misunderstood by my peers. So, I spent time understanding and analyzing myself. I may have had some issues, but there was nothing "wrong" with the texture of my hair, the sound I made to express happiness, and the way I expressed myself through style. Who's to say what is "right", anyway? I stopped caring what others found wrong with me because I felt all right.

I learned that being different is not bad, it means you march to your own beat and are brave enough to be yourself. If you are able to stand out from the crowd, you are a born leader. I have always been a leader. I continued to think, dress differently, and be myself. I found the courage to love myself.

I was able to share that through my designs. My choices to be courageous essentially got me into my dream college, the Fashion Institute of Technology. Niasia Palar. Maxwell Failing June Our stories may differ but the tree outside my library window and I share a bond. We live to grow. The Pacific Northwest rains may fulfill the trees need to reach the sun, but my soil stays dry to the touch. No downpour of knowledge saturates me, because my thirst is unending, a repeating decibel.

When the sun punches his time clock and the tree fades from sight it is replaced by my own reflection. I sit alone rooted in my seat, and wonder if the tree outside is in any way related to the pages that gave their life so that I can read the tattoo lettering. I bask under the flickering incandescent bulbs as if they were grow lights, and hum along with their monotonous tune. My life is spent in the library, hours become days, days become months, months become years, and the years tally to a lifetime. Every textbook unturned and every idea undiscovered, is faulted to time, not effort.

In this limited time, we should pause to take it all in, to simply ponder. Because when that silence snaps, we all have something worth saying. We just need courage to tell the words we feel. I find beauty in language, my emotions blossom when expressed in words. I write not for others to see my colors. But so that I can grow. This scholarship would help me pursue my passion for learning and writing by relieving some financial stresses, allowing me to simply ponder. Maxwell Failing Western Washington University.

Dominique Salazar May I see my hometown: a suburban hub for Latinos, a buzzing hive of frustrated parents driving too far for work, a busy intersection of dancing teenagers struck by cars; I also see a community of people who appreciate the smoggy view of our nearby mountains, one that collectively graffitis the rocks, marking territory, challenging the world. I see gossiping students, their homes, locked rooms of painful misunderstanding shared by young siblings.

I see parents return home late, sighing. I do not despair in what I see: my long-separated parents, my five siblings divided by state lines. I do not wallow in words of comfort, in subtle cinema. I instead embrace the manifestations as a writer, journalist and film director, capturing what I see: a world half-deep in fiction, submerged in the waters of subconscious sentiments, chimerical horror, soothing soliloquy.

My life is benefited by this duality; I see reality as art, fiction as its veritable reflection. This scholarship is a step down my path, a way to further my attempts at understanding and explaining just what this world is trying to tell me. Dominique Salazar Columbia University. Madalyn McCormack April Three: I decided I wanted to sing opera. Fourteen: I chose the college I would attend. Seventeen: I received my acceptance letter. Eighteen: I began attending my dream school. Eighteen and a half: I did drugs for the first, and second, and third I dropped out of my dream University, lost the respect of my family and friends, and gave up my dreams.

Nineteen through twenty-one: I lost myself. Twenty-two: I was tired; tired of being alone. I was broken; physically, mentally, emotionally. Twenty-two and a half: I fell in love, and pieces of the person I remembered being started to resurface. I started to dream again. I decided my life, my passion for knowledge, and my happiness were mine to nurture, mine to grow. I rallied against all of the fear I had developed since eighteen and a half, and I made a simple call to an academic advisor.

Twenty-three: I enrolled in school again; this time with more courage, more goals, more responsibility, and much more experience. Twenty-three through twenty-five: I worked full time. I decided on a major in Information Technology. I attended classes and ate every morsel of knowledge I could pick up.

I grew in my education, becoming a leader. Today: I am just under a year from graduating. I am proud. I am courageous. I have grown. Madalyn McCormack University of Phoenix. Matthew Enfield March When I was a child I was surrounded by the voices of people telling me "You can be and do anything you want. As the years have gone on the voices have changed and instead of encouraging me to rise to my potential, they softly whisper; "be average.

The world at large would have me be content with challenging myself just enough to say that I did. I however do not wish to be average. I do not seek to be the best looking, the best at my job, or the best at anything except self mastery. I wish to be the best me. This task is a life long endeavor that I undertake to change my surroundings by first changing myself.

I never want to see a person bow down to the myth that springs from the mouth of those who do not know his potential. I will make a difference. I will not let the fear of the unknown rule my life as it rules theirs. I cannot do it alone, but with the help of the "Courage To Grow" scholarship I will have the help I need to go to college and get the education necessary to make a difference. Together we can put an end to the norm of being ordinary, and start teaching people to be extraordinary.

Matthew Enfield. Margot Myers February I was born and raised in a small Montana town. As a kid, entertainment, education and social options seemed limited. We didn't have the luxury of high tech and cultural amusements or educational opportunities. We were guaranteed to see the same faces at school, businesses and social events. Due to this we would treat each other with courtesy.

Knowing we would see each other tomorrow put us in the position of being dealt instant feedback if our actions were less than respectable. We now know how to be hospitable and join hands with our community members. My friends and I laughed until it was painful after being dumped off a tractor into a manure pile, and slept in the fields under Montana's big skies. I've been given a solid, one-sided foundation that taught me the importance of respect, courtesy and gratitude. Now I need to experience the other.

If I am awarded money for my education I will be able to fulfill my dream. My inner values of continuously giving back to my community and serving others will follow me as I embark onto the next chapter of my life. I will not waste the opportunities given to me and while doing so I will incorporate my philanthropic beliefs. If helped in my pursuit of expanding my mind, I will use my education to enrich both myself and my community. Margot Myers. Daniel Chavez January Because my parents were not able to obtain an education, I have worked to achieve academic success. Moreover, I have worked to become a better person by being more open-minded and offering my volunteer service to others.

I have worked each day not for the results of the present, but for a better tomorrow. Believing that education is what will carry me to a better future; I value its importance and work towards achieving success. I have helped many people in ways such as volunteering at the food bank, buying clothes for the unfortunate, and helping students learn. However, I aim to continue to exercise my service, but on a larger scale. I aspire to be a person who opens the doors to those who are less fortunate and have never had the opportunities I have been blessed to have received.

I believe having an open mind is important. There is inhumanity in our society. Much of this is the result of the cruel judgments made. Many individuals hold a staunchly conservative view of our society. I am a person who tries to understand people rather than speculate and judge them.


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I value these beliefs because they are a part of me. They are what have helped me live a better life. I value their importance and find them to be concepts everyone should value and respect. I believe a person who values and integrates this philosophy such as I deserve to be considered for a Courage to Grow Scholarship. Daniel Chavez. Elizabeth Clark December It is a language spoken and understood by everyone, regardless of race, nationality, gender, or culture. It is a language I speak quite fluently. Like learning a language, playing music at first is very difficult and all the beginner is trying to do is get out a note or two, just as someone learning a new language is figuring out how to ask the basic question "how are you?

As a musician myself, I am finally beginning to learn how to color my music with bright vivid crayolas. It is at this point that my band mates and I are no longer playing just to play. We are now creating music to tell a story to the audience, to make them feel true emotions. These are the emotions can only be felt when the melody of a heart-breaking ballad swells over the audience, or the joy when a beautiful piece is finished and the audience is sent onto their feet clapping and crying.

It is through music that people can experience this form of humanity and feel something they may never have before. It is an incredible feeling as a musician to bring that kind of emotion into hundreds of people all at once. The other ninety percent know someone who struggles to cope - a spouse, partner, parent, sibling, child, relative, or friend.

Family and friends want to help, but don't know how. Overcoming depression takes work - sometimes just getting through every minute of every hour of the day is all that can be done Specifications Publisher Morgan James Publishing. Customer Reviews. Write a review. See any care plans, options and policies that may be associated with this product. Email address. Please enter a valid email address. Walmart Services. Get to Know Us. Customer Service. In The Spotlight. Shop Our Brands. All Rights Reserved. Cancel Submit.

I got really creative and did art work all the time and stoped sleeping. I wore wigs, and dressed in creative costumes, which did not go over great with my boss at the financial planning office. Epecially what I tried to work with some Rock Star looking sun-h lasses on! The sheriff asked if I knew how fast I was going and I wanted to show him my craft projects. My house was completely organized and cleaned from top to bottom. Because I had no drugs on me, or alcohol on my breathe and not even a parking ticket to my name the sheriff called my boss, and I was taken to the Emergency Psychiatric Emergency Room.

After evaluating me I had both manic and hypomanic features. Almost all of those symptoms included:. Euphoria Inflated self-esteem Poor judgment Rapid speech Racing thoughts Aggressive behavior Agitation or irritation Increased physical activity Risky behavior Spending sprees or unwise financial choices Increased drive to perform or achieve goals Increased sex drive Decreased need for sleep Easily distracted Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol Frequent absences from work or school Delusions or a break from reality psychosis Poor performance at work or school.

Sadness Hopelessness Suicidal thoughts or behavior Anxiety Guilt Sleep problems Low appetite or increased appetite Fatigue Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable Problems concentrating Irritability Chronic pain without a known cause Frequent absences from work or school Poor performance at work or school. That night,they diagnosed me with Bipolar I and started me on medications to bring me out of the severe mania that had been exasperated by the antidepressants.

I have learned Bipolar Disorder starts out in your early teens and twenties as anxiety and depression both of which I was being treated for. Your story, reminded me of things I had felt no doubt before this incident that led me to get diagnosed. Bipolars are the most likely out of all the mental illness patients diagnosed to kill themselves.

I myself have had one suicide attempt that was nearly successful, landing me in the hospital receiving treatment for an overdose that nearly killed me. Had my boyfriend at the time not come home early from work, I would not be here writing you tonight. Without treatment who knows how high that number is. And whatever is going on, getting yourself in the hands of professionals who will understand you and not judge you is the best place to start your recovery, because I can tell you personally getting treatment was the best thing I ever did. Life is so much better now.

I have been living diagnosed for 13 years now. I can spot when things are going south and go to my doctor and therapist, and my family and friends now understand that I have a disease and they have learned how to be a healthy support for me. I learned too that in many cases what medication works for your family members has a better chance chemically working for you, so if you do get diagnosed talk to your family members. If they are on psychiatric medications it might be a good idea to give those ones a try first. Life can get better.

Having depression, anxiety, bipolar etc is just like having diabetes. Once you know what it is, and have access treatment it becomes more manageable and you start learning how to best deal with it with all the tools that are out there. You deserve to not be scared, to feel better and live the best life you can. Through therapy and medication I can not tell you how wonderful life is now, and how great my relationships are compared to back then.

I wish and hope the same for you. Hope that some of this helps, and no matter what never give up. Take care. Thank you for the anecdote, which I was startled to hear myself laughing for the first time in months. Me — laughing alone with my swolen face. Maybe I can still be suprised;. Your user name concerns me, and so does your overloaded stress, your family not liking your personality and your depression.

If I were your mother, I would be very concerned and shower you with love and attention and hold you in a way to keep you safe. Can you see a counselor or therapist? Are there people in your life who love you unconditionally? Maybe a grandparent or Aunt, teacher or parent of a friend? We all need love and support—please try to get some and let them help you reduce your stress.

I have been depressed for years now and the part you wrote about how it feels to have it, is exactly the way I feel. The only thing I know is that medication do not solve depression entirely, only solving the problems behind the depression. Because if you do not face the problems, they will not disappear and you will still struggle with it. Thank you for your comment, Emma. Emma, I agree. I hope you are working to resolve the stuff that is causing your depression! My mother was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia after having to be committed to a psychiatric hospital.


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I had become pulled into her pathology. At the same time, I recently found out that my dad has only a few months to live. Before discovering all if this I had recently started going therapy for anxiety which was soon diagnosed as social anxiety. I had had some depressive symptoms before but they often stemmed from my anxious feelings.

Now, I feel so bad. Thank you for your comment, Kristin. My heart goes out to you all struggling with depression. I just let it run its course which I do not recommend. This sounds like a horrible mix of two clashing perceptions of depressive thoughts but it really has turned my life around and I can say the same for him too.

I have no family of my own just my husband. The elderly man has children that never gave a damn about him and now that he has a nice pension coming in they are trying to have him committed. There was more I wanted to say but I accidentally posted too early. Everybody hang in there please, there are others out there that need our help with handling depression. There are a million reasons to live and only one reason to die. Thank you for your comment, Vane. Hey, Vane, just a shout out to you.

If I knew how to make an emoticon hug, I would do it. Love, syd. I have thoughts of suicide almost everyday, I acted on them before and was not successful obviously. Thank you for your comment, DarkRose What could possibly help you recharge? What has helped in the past—even a little? Clearly you need rest and emotional food. I could not have described my feelings any better. When people say there was such thing as a functioning addict, I would wonder how is that possible.

Decades later, knowing that I was more than a moody, unhappy teenager who liked to keep to myself I understand. But I now see I have lived 2 lives. I older I become the more one bleeds into the othe. I function for necessity and wish the rest of my hours, days, and years away. The pain is physical, emotional…it is real. This existence is difficult…. I found this article because I googled how to be around others when you are happy…because putting on the face grows more challenging by the day…. Im glad to see that someone was able to describe what depression really feels like and get it all down.

I often find myself fighting my sever depression episodes all alone and just want to kill myself but dont merely because I hope and pray someone will give a damn about me to try and help.

I told my mom my problem with depression and she got me on medication but I feel like its not working. My mom instead of trying her best to make me feel better is only making it more and more painful to deal with. I already have a really difficult time dealing with anxiety and stress and all she is doing lately is making it worse.

Im always hurting allover and I just want it to stop and stop for good. I often find myself getting close to letting go of my life and falling into the never ending sleep. The only two who really help me during my times and seem to really care if I take my life or not are states away and I nor they have the money to go see each other. My best friend whom was the only person able to pull me from my deepest times no longer talks to mean and i think she even hates me for no reason.

Thank you for your comment, John. John, i might not know exactly what you are going through, but I know what your girlfriend is, because i m in that situation with my boyfriend and i m surprised how similar you and him talk. He suffers depression episodes aswell and have problems with his mother, i am miles away and dont have money to go see him.

I wanted to tell you, no everyone knows how to deal with someone with depression, maybe that s why your mother acts like that. It would help a lot if you made her read more about it so she can understand you. We get desperate because we dont know how to help you. I was desperate myself at some point, till i inform myself. You dont have to think she doesnt loves you, she does, maybe she didnt learn how to say it.

Maybe she have some problems too. The point is, is not your fault that she is like that. And if you really love your girlfriend and your mother, get help, because depression doesnt cures by itself, you need to put effort. Is not impossible to recover either. You need to search for a therapist as soon as you can and be patient, is possible to recover. When I hear of others suffering I try to reach out to help because I know how it feels and because I desperately want support myself.

It dosent always happen, you are attention seeking, woe is me there are so many worse off people. I have met many people with depression, anxiety and many other mental illness and the one thing that has stood out for me is the leve; of support and belief is the main thing for coming out of the pit. I call mine the beast, it is always there but of course I put things in place to help it, support others that need it, but it always rears its ugly head.

I get most disappointed when I try to help people, through my own experiences, conversations with others and many courses, I do have knowledge, I may not have paper work to back it up but I do have insight, that can sometimes be more powerful. The truth is I am just trying to help from things I have experienced, I have a good heart.

I try to help, nothing wrong with that, it comes from a good place,it is well meaning. Just not quite good enough. When I read articles like this it does give me hope, hope that ok I am not completely alone with my feelings.

Overcome Depression & Anxiety - Motivational Video - World Mental Health Day

My parents found out about my self harm about a month ago. That made me feel ten times worse. I have a panic attack almost everyday before school because Im just so scared and worried that people will see me and laugh like the always do so i hide behind my hair and speedwalk through crowds or just avoid them at all costs.

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When Depression Can’t Be Cured

Now that my mum knows everything i suggested i go to the doctors but she said that medicine would only mask the problem and is a short term solution. I have attempted suicide by trying to suffocate myself while everyone was asleep not long after the depression started two years ago but my reflexes kicked in and i obviously failed, being a twelve year old at the time i was foolish and perhaps a little scared of dying. Maybe its because Im not punishing myself. I know i am a teenager and maybe my hormones are raging but these feelings are real and Im falling deeper and deeper into the abyss.

Everytime i look in the mirror i want to punch it and smash until my knuckles bleed and cut my wrists with the shards. Sometimes i scream and cry when no ones home because i know that Im going crazy and Im aware ofthe fact that people are just fed up with failing to make me happy. If i ended it, their lives would be so much easier.

Does anyone have any coping mechanisms to share? Thank you for your comment, Abbey. You have a chance to live a happy life, but the sooner you get help the better. No one should have to suffer so much, and you deserve relief! Find someone you trust and tell them all these details. If not, you might end up doing some terrible damage that will cause you more suffering, or losing out on a good life.

Will you get help? I really dont know what to do, Im making everyone else miserable which makes me feel even worse. I wish i had, self harm usually keeps the bad feelings away for a few hours, even days at best. Does anyone else feel similar? Btw, congratulations on deciding to get professional help, you are an inspiration.

I have read this over and over again, breaking into tears each time. My heart screams out to me to show them this, make them read it, but my head says NO!! I read this and was like woow. All my family lives in Kentucky. So I recently got forced to live with my dad a year ago and now I have a choice to stay or live with him he is in the army and stationed in new York every time he takes leave 2 week vacation 2ce a year we go to see my family.. I read this and just broke down in tears. Thanks for reading….

Seeing as how many people have shared their story, perhaps someone who is suffering similarly can help me with mine. I have depression and just recently started to get panic attacks. No one knew that I was depressed, much less suicidal for all this time because this was the only thing that I worked hard to protect. A few months ago, a new friend and my only close friend revealed to me that he had depression as well. And so I did. Or at least I thought I did.

It got worse after that. Now that I was feeling the emotion again, I felt suffocated. There is now a dense ball of emotion simply swirling, churning and gnawing away inside me. From this, I started to get panic attacks. And I got them every single day. I frequently need time to be alone so I can attempt to let out all this crazed emotion either in the form of tears or panic attacks. I realized this when I somehow managed to unscrew the cap on my bottled emotions one day — just for a few seconds — and was immediately overcome with an intense panic attack.

They are only causing me intense pain while not even knowing and I am paining them in return. There were times when I accidentally let my true self out, only to get ridiculed and scorned. It hurts terribly to know that a fake that I created is better than me. I used to confront my problems and be optimistic and all that stuff until experience ruthlessly taught me otherwise. I live every day in fear of people, trapped in the dark abyss if depression. There is nothing scarier than reality.

Does anyone know how to unsuppress emotions? If I do manage to unsuppress, then I will have to battle my sanity with my emotions until one wins. I am not an expert in depression or any other disorder, i am no a depressed person either. I do have an anxiety disorder so isnt like im a complete ignorant about feeling something you want it to go away, and i wanna tell you that i am touched by your story.

My partner has depression, and i am always scare he is doing what you re doing. I always try to encourge him to open up with me and to not hide if he is feeling depressed. I also read every article I find about how to deal with someone depressed, and actually, the last article i read that was 5 mins ago said that there is 80 to 90 percent rate of recovery for depressed people that look for professional help.

That is amazing, dont you think? And is what i am trying to do now. You probably have someone near you, just like my partner does, that is begging for you to get professional help. I know is hard to do that step, I did it with my anxiety disorder. But, what are you gonna lose if you do it? I was traumatized during my youth. To begin, I was born with a cleft lip…but I was unaware of my facial deformity until I began elementary school…I can faintly recall the first time some kid let me know that I was differant and I knew he meant to make me feel like a freak show….

I was five then…. I believe that our personalities are first and foremost geneticly passed down to us…from that……it transforms according to our envirnment.. I have so much more to add in detail that its too much to text but what I want to tell you is that I have your same exact problem all the way to crossing the T and dotting the i …. Im going to strive to find out why so i can fix it..

Complex PTSD Can Disrupt Lives

Probably not is what i said…. I have so much to say but i am so busy today and answering this took a hour…believe it …. My childhood was quite rough and I never got along with my family or friends very well. They were always taunting and ridiculing me when I was young either they were trying to motivate me or taking out their own frustrations on me, I never quite understood. My dad was an alcoholic who was also very asocial. Alcohol took my dad away seven years ago.

Towards his last years he was extremely withdrawn and was generally an unpleasant person to be around. I loved him but could never really connect with him. I am mad at him for neglecting me. My kid brain has been through a lot of silent trauma. Life looks grey and every task seems like wading through waist deep quick sand. My motivation levels are at an all time low. To make things worse, my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me with my best friend. I lost them both after that. Everyone at school and work seems really mean, selfish and untrustworthy and so I am generally by myself.

I have these massive walls around me that I am locked behind. Nobody can look inside. But I do feel desperately lonely and wish someone could see things through my eyes. Have you had any experience with therapy? Yes you are right about the importance of letting emotion out of the jail. Once a person gets into healthy relationship with their emotional world the rest of their world seems to get a lot kinder too.

Call on His name! There is power in praising His name. Ask Him to forgive you for your sins and let Him in. At least take a sabbatical. I have been in such mental anguish I thought I could not go on. You WILL heal! I have been where you are. It took over a year to find the right combination of meds to stop the nonstop anxiety and panic attacks that caused me to lose 50 pounds and take a leave from work.

I had to go to different doctors until I found one who had expertise in my particular symptoms, many of which were GI related. If you have been raised in a particular faith, go back to it in earnest. And now with the benefit of hindsight I know how much it helped me without my even realizing it. The medication that literally saved my life is called Remeron.

My doctor says it is without a doubt the one thing she knows will work on intractable depression, and the side effects are minimal compared to the past. I will keep you in my prayers!!! Maybe prisons are worse. Perhaps internment camps and refugee camps are worse. But if you believe you have a soul which Western psychology does not , and you end up in such a facility, be prepared to have that soul ripped right out of you. Why do other people dismiss your depression or minimize it? It feels like a daily battle.

Those are normal sweetie. Talk with you doctor about changing dose, medication, adding a booster like Abilify, maybe talk therapy. You can beat this monster. I did. Write me if you want to talk. Anyone on this site is welcomed. Hang in there my friends. Your life is worth finding, reclaiming and living!!! Hugs sweethearts. I feel empty…. Thank you for your comment, Ashiq. I found myself not being able to trust anyone, especially my ONE best friend whom I thought could help me but no….

Many a times I wanted to seek help but… who could I turn to? They noticed a change but no one asked and even if they did, they laughed it off and said it was normal. Is it me? I want everyone to be happy…. I usually never think of death as a bad thing. I still do. Please just……. Thank you for your comment, Rachel. Get help. Thank God! It made all the difference.

I was trying to hide it and appear normal. It almost got me. And how much I now know my family and friends really did care. Big hug!!! Hope is so marvelous when it starts to filter back through. You may even giggle. Love to you, Jill. Your comments to others seem very kind, and I am really trying to find some people with whom I can talk about the way depression has affected my life. Like really. I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who suffers from depression.

He is on medication and sees his therapist once a week. I have been reading up on how to cope with his depression and its effects on our relationship, and trying to understand this disease and what I need to do. I love him with all of my heart and we have a long history together. I do not want to become depressed myself over this as I am trying so hard not to take things personal and trying to do what he needs in order to get well. I want to do whatever it takes to maintain our relationship and move foward in a positive manner.

Thank you for this page. It has offered me a lot of insight to this terrible disease. I too, am in a similar situation with my BF. To make a long story short, we dated 20 years ago and 3 years ago he came back into my life, partly to apologize for how he treated me back then. We became friends again and I have supported him throughout his struggles as best as I knew how.

We recently started dating exclusively about 5 months ago when he nticed I started pulling away. He said he loved me and that he always loved me and that he couldnt lose me again. Over the past few months, things have been up and down and he is pulling more and more away from me.

I amtrying not to take it personally but it is difficult. I feel like I am becoming depressed over this now because I feel like no matter what I do its not good enough. I have taken the advice from this column but I need to know if I need to walk away from this relationship. I can take on a lot and I am very patient but I too have needs.

I have tried to talk to him without being judgmental, angry or overbearing but, depending on his moods, wind up being a whirlwind of emotions. Do I give up my needs to stand by the man I love more than anything? Do I communicate to him my thoughts or cover them up so I dont burden him? When is enough enough? How can I deal with these issues day in and day out and still maintain my own mental state?

Please someone help me. He has even made the comment that he will never leave me again and that he will never hurt me again but he is pushing me to leave him. He is inadvertently hurting me and I dont know how to tell him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated especially if you are one suffering from this disease. This is a very accurate depiction of what the world looks and feels like through the lense of depression. Thank you for expressing it so well. And helped me because Ive been struggling with this issue and feel very guilty that I cant just get myself out of this depression by being positive.

Great article. I too suffer from major depressive disorder. Most of the time, thanks to a healthy lifestyle,medication and therapy I am very happy however during the dark time is dark. I work as a therapist in many capacities and I always share my struggles with my clients so that they can see there is hope.

How is the stigma supposed to be decreased with these types of insensitive statements? Thanks for reading! Melanie Palmer, MFT. My family refuses to understand these things about my depression which has been almost constant for several years. I wish they would try to understand. I was told today by my mom…who is a registered nurse…that I was using depression as an excuse to not pick up after myself…I totally shut down.. I can barely read this because each sentence brings a new downpour of tears. I wish my family understood this.

I never knew other people felt this exact way too. Just wish I could get my husband to care, to love me with this illness. I just need someone who can. He says that when I seem sick or miserable he thinks he just needs to give me space or just back off.

Healing from Identity Loss After Narcissistic Abuse

Thanks to each of you for sharing your experiences here. This ongoing dialogue is heartwarming, and we encourage you to continue talking about your experiences with mental health issues and therapy with a wider audience via the Share Your Story feature on our blog. Writing your story may be healing for you and encouraging to others. This is the darkest its ever been. I have 2 beautiful babies, a failing marriage and a friendship that has gone south over a bunch of nothing.

I feel so overwhelmed, I hate life. Thank you for your comment, Mallory. This is the most realist thing ever. This is the most exact way to describe depression. I just read this and sat in shock for a few minutes. When I told my mother a nurse to read this article and what is was about she told me I needed therapy and drugs before se even read it. It makes me feel defeated and that my therapist has given up on me as well and that I am a disappointment. So how does one get through it? And what should we be doing in therapy. Sometimes my therapist will just look at me and say nothing.

I have been depressed on-off for close to a year now. When it all gets real low my world shrinks in and a lot of support is pushed to the outside. People tell me that things are out of my control and to try and move on!! I am lost at sea most hours of the day and scramble to keep my head above water. When I try to think back to when I was happiest, the only thing that actually comes to mind is when things became so dark. I lead a good life. Perhaps a little lonely, but mostly because of myself. I push people away.

I cannot form actual relationships with people. I am so distant. But so good at putting this smile on my face that everyone is convinced. Or excuses, maybe. My depression started slow. It started when I was 12 and that was nearly 8 years ago. I can still remember being happy then. Quicksand is all too accurate a comparison. The pain varies from dull and throbbing to episodes of sharp and relentless anguish. Absolutly everything I have never been able to put into my own words about the prison of depression.

I am 42 yrs old and have suffered worse and worse major depressive episodes since i was I have taken meds used drugs and drank heavely all in desperate efforts to just feel better. I am a christian and this sickness has had me so conflicted all my life that I had no idea if there was anyway God could possibly mean me when He says He forgives all who come to Him.

It has become such a part of me now that I have no idea how to be or think any other way. I have been in such a state at one point as to not feel or think or have any emotion left just dead inside and not even caring to want to be any other way. Through much divine intervention and desperation to live again i have began a med regimine again and I just have to trust everything to my faith. Its a slow ongoing process that i fight with myself alot to just keep going and putting one foot in front of the other.